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So I've been sitting on my fucking ass all day attempting to study. That's how it's been for the past 4 weeks or so. Last night I was feeling particularly bored and in a really random moment of truth, I bent down to look under the table for my murderous Birks when suddenly I felt a tremulous jiggle of waves undulating across my stomach. Wtf.

I read Perezhilton.com on a daily - if not hourly basis (the shame, I know) - and while he is often quite funny, I think he's seriously starting to become a whiny bitch re: the Gaygate at Miss USA 2009. Perez has been going on and on and ON about how Miss California responded to his question.

Perez Hilton: “Vermont recently became the 4th state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?”

Carrie Prejean: “Well, I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offence to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you very much.”

I have to admit, that answer really did her no good. She drew all sorts of boos from the crowd although it was cut out on TV (haha!). AND the fact that she's from California! Whether she likes it or not, America will always be made up of gays, lesbians and transgenders. People like Perez can destroy you if he so wishes. She shouldn't go around saying things like that because people are going to hit her for openly discriminating against gays and lesbians. And wtf just because you're going to be crowned Miss USA doesn't give you the right to say 'my country'. Gee. It ain't the crown for fucking Queen of the World.

While I am totally on the boat for same sex marriage (hell I'm up for marriage with anything, just so long as it's not an inanimate object), Perez has been consistently blogging about other people's viewpoints on gay marriage post-Miss USA, people like Miley Cyrus and Heidi Montag. Seriously? Miley Cyrus and Heidi Montag? They're probably the two people who matter the least on this planet. I've always wanted to trip Miley Cyrus up because she and her Juicy Couture tracksuit just scream "I'm a sixteen-year-old with large pouty lips that are clean from not giving my ripped 21-year-old boyfriend any BJs! I'm so innocent! Bully me now!!!"

I digressed.

It would seem that he's more angry at the fact that she's against gay marriage more so than the way she answered it, although he claims that she's allowed to have her own opinions. Some people have lauded her courage in expressing her honest opinions, while others have totally condemned her for saying "marriage should ONLY be between a man and a woman". I think the part that probably hurt the most is the fact that she repeated that sentence more than once - implying quite explicitly that if you're gay you're basically not worthy of loving anyone and being able to sanctify that bond. If I were in Perez's shoes, I'd have thrown a hissy fit right away. But please la, Perez, don't bring Heidi Montag and Miley Cyrus into it. Go on fighting for gay rights, but don't drag Z-list people who only pretend to care about the LGBT society into it.

However, the fact that she can say all that and have a 10,000 watt smile on her face at the same time totally amazed me. Most beauty pageant contestants are trained to have smiles plastered on their faces 24/7. It's pretty tragic how people subject themselves to such pain, but the masochist in us needs indulging every now and then. She said she went home after and ate a burger for the first time in a long time. Sucks to be a pretty girl! I personally have never agreed with the concept of beauty pageants and I haven't sat down to watch any beauty pageant since I was about 10, but it makes good blog fodder and inspiration for books such as 'Carrie'.



The concept of free speech can be pretty confusing. It would seem that these days that by free speech we mean throw out the narrow-minded and ONLY allow the open-minded opinions to flow when technically we should be allowed to say whatever the fuck we want without being condemned. Judging others - it's an inherent flaw in all of us.

A couple of my friends have said "I WILL kill you if you dye your hair blonde". Fair enough. Us Oriental types look like shit with blonde hair, anyway. 

I could never fully comprehend how British people always went on and on about the shitty weather until I came here. Back home it was always "MAN why is it so hot?" or "MAN why is the rain so heavy?!" And then here, it goes "omgomg it's sunny out! We HAVE to go out!" One notices the how heavily the weather influences one's mood. Er, whatsitcalled...oh ya Seasonal Affective Disorder. No wonder Malaysians are so relaksed compared to the Brits and New Yorkers.

Doesn't explain me, though.

I stumbled upon style rookie. Turns out she's a fashion blogger who's only 12. Hurray for adults stuck in children's bodies!

So when I was 12, I used to be called 'mature', 'wise beyond her years' etc. Apparently my English essays were pretty insightful, cogent...at times verbose. (Oh, Oxford thesaurus, how I miss you) I wasn't the type of kid to climb trees or go around playing in the mud. I stayed indoors most days and watched TV and ate my poor dial up connection going online to devour fan fiction. During the summer holidays, I would stay awake until six am writing poorly constructed stories of diaphanous elfin characters and their beautiful stories of life and love in a parallel universe. Now I stay awake until six attempting to memorise equations I know I'll only need for a couple of hours in a few weeks.

I remember playing around in the rain one day after school with a couple of friends. We were soaked through and we stuffed our faces with McDonald's after. I got the scolding of my life from my grandfather when I got home, but it was okay. It felt good; I couldn't stop smiling for days. That's probably the happiest feeling I can glean from my mid secondary school years.

I was a reserved child, one who didn't say much. And when I did, it was probably something sensible and well thought-out. I couldn't ever explain Pythagoras' Theorem though. I still can't. I was permanently pissed off because I never made it to the top maths group. I guess that should've been a telltale sign that I should never have done engineering as a major. No point crying over spilled milk, huh.

Anyway, in 2002 I discovered Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit. Nu-metal rock or whatever that genre was called (does it still exist??). So began my liberation phase. I remember that LP concert distinctly. I was wearing a tank top (first time EVER, I think. Was and always have been afraid to put my disturbingly large arms on display) and some really baggy cargo pants which were ALLL the rage back then. I remember headbanging and acting like a crazy bitch and freaking quite a lot of people out, as I am wont to do these days. It was pretty awesome. The next day, everything went back to the status quo. I was my usual self: I studied, I sat my exams, I scored straight A's lalala. Not that I'm not grateful for it. I'm a lucky girl, I know I am, so put aside your judgmental glasses for awhile kthx.

And then when I came here, I really started to grow younger. I'm rediscovering my lost youth. Painting the town red, blue, green, purple. I never painted towns any damn colour. It's been fun, really. I'm not the same person I was when I left GIS for this country. I'm probably not the same person I was yesterday, or the day before. Humans weren't meant to remain static; we're 66.6% fluid and hence fluid we should be.

But I know I'll always carry that cargo-pants-wearing-all-black-shirted kid with me. She's not that bad. Really.

Nothing beats the thrill of opening packages in the morning after routine Combat and Pump classes. I have an unhealthy obsession with polka dots, leopard print and 4 shot Americanos which have been fulfilled in the past couple of days. I am immediately a happier camper after.

...because i AM that narcissistic :)

and also because it's a Metallica song that I've been looping. It's about time something changed anyway.

I go through phases in my life where I want/need different things done to myself. Why? For shits and giggles, d'oh. I don't ever want to wake up when I'm fifty five and discreetly Botoxed and look at myself in the mirror and say "Shit, I shoulda, coulda, woulda done x, y and z".

X, y and z hopefully not being people.

Last term, I pierced the rook of my ear (wiki it if you want to know) because I woke up one morning and decided I needed another piercing so I took the 27 to Camden and had it done. The damn thing gets infected off and on, but I don't have any regrets. I also have a large ring threaded through the cartilage of my left ear - my orbital piercing. Was my first not-normal piercing last year. I haven't got as many piercings as Ms Moss, but I think this I-want-pain phase might be kicking in again soon. Hah, as if studying isn't painful enough.

And for kicks:

My life these days can pretty much be summed up in the words of James Hetfield:

Seek. And. Destroy.

Okay, maybe not.

I'm just seeking to destroy my bank account by perpetually going on eBay instead of burying my nose in the books. But whatever, I like that song. Been looping it 24/7.

Also have been on frantic search for these shoes. Why, you ask? If you're looking to shut me up, then you can ask me why I want these shoes because I have no answer. I shall just ask you to look at them.

They sort of have an ethereal quality about them, don't they? It screams "WALK ME DOWN THE STREET LIKE A FUCKING SIZE ZERO MODEL". They begged to be worn and loved. Sob.

Mrm. I cannot believe she has it in three colours. Goddamn.

I walked into a 2nd hand bookshop today. It felt oddly familiar yet foreign. I shall post about more substantial issues when I'm not meant to be procrastinating.

What i'd do to have all the free time in the world to bask in the sunshine and read intense novels all day. I should stop listening to music for a while and take in the sounds of the natural world. It's the most fucking depressing thing in the world to have to stay indoors while the sun is shining outside. My wardrobe and camera call to me, but I cannot answer their desperate pleas. Sad, but true.

I know though that in a hazy whirlwind of black coffee, candy and countless purchases of clothing (I had to pay homage to AA and Urban Outfitters this morning) in the next six weeks, this will all be over. Then Paris. Hungary. Project work. Morocco. I'm going home on the 30th of June.

And that's it, London. Sayonara. I'll probably miss you, but I'll be off to the country I've read and seen so much of.

San Diego, California, US of A

- God willing.