Grrl, I'm gonna bite ya

November 22, 2008 | Published in | 1 comments

Hopping onto the teenybopper bandwagon, I've sort of been flipping out quietly about how Twilight is being released way before Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. HP6 was meant to be released yesterday, but somehow got pushed all the bloody way back to summer 2009. Let's just say I'm a traditional girl and have always been a Harry Potter fangirl for as long as I can remember (Book Ronald Weasley <3!). Converting to the dark side (har har har) is not acceptable. Although Ms Rowling's plot-weaving skills may have deteriorated somewhat over the years and my level of cynicism gone up exponentially, Ms Meyer is just no match for the woman who has more money than the Queen. Ms Meyer begins her book in pretty much the same way Ms Rowling did with Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, using IGCSE English techniques to paint a dull, dreary (alliteration !!!) picture and all that, but it didn't reel me in. Perhaps I was young and fool enough to be drawn into the magical world of Harry and Ronald and Hermione, but those were good times! Writers will never run out of an audience so long as there is misery in this world and a willingness to escape into another dimension. I did - in all earnest - attempt to read the book. I took it down gingerly from my sixteen-year-old sister's dusty shelf and turned to the back. Isabella "Bella" Swan? Does anything scream more "I'm a 17th century harlot wearing white lace and red lipstick" than that? Fine. So Ms Meyer picked a bad name. I didn't let Harry James Potter or Frodo Baggins deter me from reading Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. But really. 2 pages and counting, I just put it down and went to have my cosy after-lunch nap. Why? I give you the following:

In the Olympic Peninsula of the northwest Washington state, a small town named Forks exists under a near constant cover of clouds. It rains on this inconsequential town more than any other place in the United States of America. It was from this town and its gloomy, omnipresent shade that my mother escaped with me when I was only a few months old.

...

It was to Forks that I now exiled myself - an action that I took with great horror. I detested Forks.

I loved Phoenix. I loved the sun and the blistering heat. I loved the vigorous, sprawling city.

There was something about the first two pages that turned me right off. I shouldn't judge so easily, but I DID make it beyond the cover. I think it was the size of the words too. They were the size of my face. Made me feel a bit dumb :-( I don't like books making me feel dumb, especially in the condescending sort of way; I'm too much of an egotistical girl for that. The clumsily stacked sentences don't appeal to me very much either. But anyway, I've read about this novel enough online to tell you what it's about. And by this point, you are wondering: why the hell is she going on about a book she doesn't believe in? I'm just procrastinating - I'm sorry there's no sexier answer.

In a nutshell:

Bella Swan is the new girl in school. Bella meets Hot 4eva-18 Vampyre Boy named Edward Cullen. Ed is drawn to scent of her flavourful blood. He falls in love with her. BUT THEN he avoids her because he's a fucking vegetarian vampire and doesn't want to suck her lifeless. She goes "ZOMG have I done something wrong? Is it me? Am I too fat?!! Does he want to have SEX with me???" etc. Enter Jake, a 4eva-16 vampire. He doesn't really care about being vegetarian, because Bella sure smells hella good to give up. He wants to suck on Bella's blood but Ed clearly can't let him do that because deep down underneath all that lust, Ed really is a *good* guy. Fight fight run run. Happy ending 4eva n eva with a PROM thrown in.

To quote Lily from HIMYM, "WOOOO!!!!!" (subtitle: "This book clearly sounds dead in all its undead glory")

If you want a really good vampire story, I suggest reading The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice. Homoeroticism, sexy writing and the baring of fangs! What more do you want?!

And you know what, Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart are NO match for Dan Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Emma Watson. Seriously.

L-R: Guy with Seriously Greased Up Hair that Could Probably Use a Transylvanian Vampirean Accent too; Girl with fabulous Louboutins but dunno what she's wearing



Need I say more?

1 Responses to “Grrl, I'm gonna bite ya”

  1. ameliaheartsu says:
    22 December 2008 at 10:43

    lol you got the summary really wrong.

    but i think i'd pick a pair of louboutins over a chanel dress with armpit bands any day (unlike emma watson here...)

    but they'd be more interesting louboutins, if you're going to spend a trillion dollars on a pair of shoes they should be more than just an all black round toe pump.