bel

Everything.

Past, present, future.

Oh, Dreary Thoughts at Half Seven in the Morning, go away, go away.

I'm breaking out with bloody pimples like hives on an irritating allergic-to-everything-child.

Stress, doh.

Past one week. 12 hour days. It gets hard to tell night from day sometimes. It's amazing how the earth keeps spinning while the rest of us seem to stand so still in the dwindling daylight. We walk up and down the same weather beaten track over and over again. Same place, same time. Repetition is the Monster in my closet, the one who will hold me tight when I cry late into the night, the one who will always be there for me when everything falls apart. The easiest things in life come from this ghastly creature. Still. I despise it.

We're always fighting for something. Aren't we now. My something just isn't half as clear as yours. But. It'll be okay.

It's always "Fall Term" or "Autumn Term". Well, anyway, it's now "Spring Term" and the weather hasn't improved at all. Miseryguts.

New year, same shit.

Welcome to my life. Insert childish whine while I can before I hit the big 2-0. Gasp.

The rest of the occupants of Flat 47 left this morning to Nottingham. And so, I'm left here alone at home to bubble and simmer away in a flat-ful of thoughts and empty songs, my usual three shot coffee by my side. I haven't written or done anything of this sort in a while. Christmas is near and I am dying for time to pass by more swiftly. What I wouldn't do to have the oppressive burden of a guilty conscience not bearing down upon my (literally) aching shoulders.

My first term routine of living off three hours of sleep and twice weekly exercise has left me in a dribbling mess of snot and general all around knackeredness. Getting sick can be good for you sometimes, gives you an actual excuse proper to skive class and sleep in.

I think today might be one of those days when I feel like I'm done with being iconoclastic.

It's a nice feeling.

I think I owe it to the blueberry muffin I'm eating.

Still breathing.

Not sure about the 'alive' part though.

Summer's gone.



"You say you want to kill yourself
It might make it just a little bit easier
You think you're the only one who hurts
Try looking just a little bit harder
I don't know why you're holding on
To the damage that's been done

'Cause you've got me wrapped up in your illusion
I keep on trying to change your conclusion
But you've got me wrapped up in your illusion

I keep on dying 'cause you're busy wasting life"

-- Hanson, "Your Illusion"

To Look Like:

In that exact same outfit in the exact same picture.

To have my normal voice sound like:


Peyton Sawyer <3

To Be:


A fat hobbit. Always and forever. Eat, drink, garden, sleep. Trapped in his own not-so-cerebral world.

Forgive me. I am tired.

There are some days when you'd just do anything to rewind to a few hours before. Just to be rid of mistakes, regrets. All that jazz. When you know you would have done things perhaps a little differently, said them a little more nicely, stopped the ball from rolling before it fell off the fucking cliff. When in the aftermath you feel like Death squashed into a tiny entity in this world that is yourself.

Then one starts to realize that it's 4.07 in the evening, not 8.30 in the morning anymore.

All you get to do is wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.



Nobody lives without regrets or sin or love.

Here we are again.

It's moments like these when I feel like Sarah Jessica Parker.

You know, the one in the episode where she could only write about SOCKS instead of SEX.

"6 billion people in the world, and sometimes



all you need is 1"

Funny how secrets make us and absolve us at the same time.

Inspired by Ainzieee:

40 Things That Make Me A Happier Human Being.

1) Metal heeled stilettos
2) The ability to retaliate to everything and anything I say -- not many people can do this :P
3) Intimate gatherings
4) Black coffee at night
5) Black coffee any time of the day
6) Shirts on boys -- not t-shirts
7) Late night/early morning conversations
8) Laughing till my sides split
9) Bringing sexy back
10) Seeing others bring sexy back
11) Jared Leto
12) Biting you.
13) Brandon Boyd.
14) Being in bed when it's raining
15) Laurence Olivier as Heathcliff.
16) Piercings (on myself)
17) Disney films
18) Towels freshly out of a dryer
19) The Louis Vuitton patched denim monogram Speedy in black
20) Clark Gable as Rhett Butler.
21) Staying up late for no reason at all
22) Rain at night
23) Richard Gere in Pretty Woman.
24) Gymming
25) Smoky eye make-up
26) Sims 2.
27) Make me smile when I cry.
28) Sleeping in
29) When other people try and make conversation with me.
30) Letters
31) Platform heels.
32) Walking into the most expensive boutiques and feeling like Holly Golightly upon walking into Tiffany's.
33) Secretly photographing self.
34) Being able to quote Latin phrases.
35) English Literature
36) Emo music
37) My grandmama's cooking
38) The unexpected phone call
39) Going to bed really tired and instantaneously falling asleep
40) Lame jokes.

Sigh.

Bit more to go.

I still feel like a little girl.

A few of the many childish questions I've asked my parents when I was about 9. I never got them answered:


- What would happen if we had all the money in the world to burn?

(I'd probably end up spending far less than I do now and be a cheapskate bum.)

- What would happen if the world's greatest geniuses were actually women and not men?

- Are there really aliens?

- Is "world peace" even a remotely feasible concept?

- Why do I weigh so much even though I am not grotesquely obese?

- What will happen when I turn grow up?

- Where are you going?

1) Each player must post these rules first.

2) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3) People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.

4) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

5) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. Here are 8 little known facts about me:

One
I think I would be solely motivated to lose weight just to show off a navel ring. In fact, I'm contemplating that right now.

Two
I secretly admire Mary-Kate Olsen, despite the fact that her legs are the size of my arms. I adore pictures of her especially in ridiculous 8 inch platforms and her Wayfarers in red, white and black, all of which I tried on in Harrods but looked ridiculous in so I settled for a pair of restyled aviators instead. And her Christian Louboutins.

Three
Judging is my second hobby. I would be the most arrogant bastard on earth if I were to say I don't judge people, but I do. I don't know why people can't own up to the fact that we all judge once in a while.

Four
I still enjoy my angsty rabid tweenage music back from my heyday: Linkin Park, Rammstein and Puddle of Mudd despite having stopped rebelling against popular culture. Anyway, isn't rock the new pop. Sigh. And I still love Hanson and The Moffatts. They'll always be 16 to me and I'll always be 11 and stupid when they randomly turn up on my iTunes.

Five
As a ten-year-old kid, I used to eat until I vomited. Needless to say, I was worryingly tubby and used to fret (secretly) about why no boy ever liked me.

Six
I wish I could dance.

Seven
I check Facebook and Perezhilton.com compulsively.

Eight
I get fast food cravings at godforsaken hours. Thank God for 3am McDelivery.



To everyone from school who has caught up with me this past year, yes, I am, um, slightly different to what I used to be back in secondary school. And no, I am not a slut. Even if I am, I am a virgin slut :-)

"Into non-being, which is to say, everything"

And so,

All good things come to an end.

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends

Sometimes even nothing at all.

A tiring weekend. An unhappy, tiring weekend.

Funnily enough, I think I like the seventeen-year-old Harry much more than I realize.

I remember that one time in GIS when this song resonated like chimes in a thunderstorm.

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.


We should all try to wear our hearts on our sleeves. Just a little more. So we'll never have to say "I'm sorry" when they can't hear us anymore.